Missin' this sweet baby girl...

Hadlee Jane Ashcroft
Born into this world on May 2, 2011. Returned to our Father in Heaven on May 15, 2011.

Yesterday marked one month since Hadlee's passing. I can't believe it's already been that long. I have been putting off writing this post because I've been afraid that I wont be able to do this sweet little angel justice. She has touched my life in so many ways that I didn't even know were possible. I have thought a lot about what I would say when I sat down to write about her. There really just aren't words to describe just how amazing she is.
Most who are reading this blog have also probably been keeping up with the one that my beautiful, amazing sister in law has kept. But for anyone unfamiliar with Hadlee's story, please visit their blog here. Like I said, my sister in law has done an incredible job of writing down her thoughts and feelings and telling Hadlee's story in the way only a mother can. Heather is one of the most incredible people I have ever known, and I know that she really doesn't know how much I look up to her and admire her strength and testimony. Love you Heath!
The night after Hadlee's viewing and graveside services, I came home and spent the rest of the night writing down my thoughts. I wrote a page, and then 1 page turned into two and two into three and so on and so on! I am sooo grateful to have that to look back on. As time goes on, sometimes the things that you once felt start to wear, or you start to forget a little bit. I don't want to forget. Holding that little girl was the closest that I have ever felt to my savior. I'm so glad that I can go back and read those things and remember those feelings.

This is my first time holding Hadlee, the night that Dustin and Heather brought her home from the hospital (May 13). Up until this day, only Dustin and Heather and the grandmas had been able to hold her. I really think that this was one of the most incredible experiences of my entire life. I cant put into words just how special it was. If you can imagine holding an angel you might begin to understand. I could feel Hadlee's special spirit from the moment I first stepped into her presence the day she was born. She was in her little bed in the NICU, looking so beautiful. And I just knew that I was in the presence of someone so special.

This is Hadlee's big brother Kade, who just happened to break his arm the day that she came home from the hospital. That little goof :) It is amazing, the resilience of little children. Kade is only 3 but he has really been such an incredible example to all of us. He loves his little sister so much. And he knows he will see her again. Dustin and Heather say that he talks about her a lot and reminds them when they're sad that they will see her again. I sure love that little boy, and I know that he will be such a strength to his mommy and daddy always.

I stole some of these pictures from Dustin and Heather's blog!

I know that no matter what I write, I can't do this beautiful life justice. I am having a hard time expressing my feelings right now. I'm going to post a few paragraphs from the record that I kept, that really describe how I feel. The record is more my thoughts than the sequence of events, but it includes some of that also. It seems kind of jumbled, but I really wanted to record my thoughts exactly as they came to me the night I wrote them down. It is hard for me to describe it much better than this, because during this time I felt so close to the spirit and to my Heavenly Father. I feel that way whenever I think of Hadlee and for that I am so grateful.

"The next evening, May 13, the whole family was able to go down to be with Dustin and Heather
and Kade as Hadlee was given a name and a blessing. The blessing that Dustin gave was absolutely beautiful. While I could feel the pain in his voice, I knew that he was putting all of his faith in the Lord, knowing that he would need his help, but also knowing that he had been led down the correct path. One thing that Dustin said in the blessing that really struck me was that Hadlee’s mission here on this earth was such an important one in such a short amount of time. Her mission here was to come and bless our lives, to teach us so many lessons that we never knew we could learn. She came to show us that the Plan of Salvation is real. What a powerful manifestation that is. For her perfect little spirit to come down to this earth to receive a mortal body. To be loved and to love back with every ounce she could muster. While that body was imperfect, it was the means by which she could return back to live with her Heavenly Father...
"The night of the blessing was also the night that the rest of us had to say goodbye for now.
My chance to hold her had finally come. And what a glorious experience it was. I know that I will
never fully be able to explain my feelings as I held her tiny body in my arms. But let me just say that I know I was holding an angel. A spirit so pure and perfect that she did not have to suffer the grief of this mortal life. That she would automatically return to our father and receive his celestial glory. As I felt her breathing, I thought about what a joyous reunion it will be when we are able to see her again. As Heather wrote in her blog, I know she will have a body that is prefect, with a beautiful smile and beautiful hair. I know that even has her aunt, I will do all that I can to make sure that I can be there. As I have reflected on this time that I was able to spend with her, I have felt such gratitude in my heart for the opportunity that I had to meet her, and to hold her, and love her. I never knew that I could feel the way that I have felt through this whole time. Such sorrow and pain, but also such joy and happiness. I hope I never forget what it felt like to hold someone so close to our Savior, with a spirit so undeniably strong, and I know that I will be forever grateful for the opportunity that I have to be part of her family."

I had the opportunity to take pictures at Hadlee's viewing and graveside services. It was really an incredible experience for me to be able to try and capture the love and feelings that were there. I really hope that I was able to do that.
I want to also say what an incredible brother I have. Dustin is so amazing. He's an awesome father, husband, brother, and person. I've always known this, but it has been made even more clear to me this past month and a half. It seems like my whole life I have been looking up to him as he's overcome trials and obstacles with grace. I know his testimony is so strong, and I am so impressed by how he has been able to lead and guide his family through this difficult time. I am so grateful for the priesthood, and the blessings that he was able to give to his family. What an inspiration he is to me. Love ya Dust!
I want to thank everyone who has prayed for Dustin, Heather, Kade and Hadlee. It is so great to know that your family is being taken care of and watched over by so many wonderful people.

I love this baby girl so much. I thank my Father in Heaven every day for the opportunity that I had to meet her. I know that she will be watching over Dustin and Heather and Kade until they can see her again.
I know that when I'm done writing this post, I will look back and think that there is so much more that I could say. I could write all night. I am so grateful for the life that Hadlee lived. And grateful to have met someone who in just two weeks time has taught me more than I could have ever hoped to have learned in a lifetime.

Hadlee, I love you and I miss you, but I am so grateful for the knowledge that I have that we will see you again. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for all that you've taught me. I will always look forward to the day when I can learn from you again.